Dating Fail

I was out to dinner with friends and could hear the painful conversation being had by the awkward first date next to us.

"How long have you been on match?"

Dating an online date is like Fight Club. You don't talk about online dating on the first date. In fact, who cares how your experience has been online dating? Obviously it has been total shit if you are still on it! Save that chat for never.

Give Me Your Tired Online Dating Weary Masses

So now that I have a BF and my life is perfection thru and thru, I have tried to help others. I have become a YENTA. I was always one of these nosy skanks deep down. How else do you get to judge others in the name of "helping" AND make it to heaven if you match three jewish couples (for my non Jew readers, there is a saying in the talmud that if you make 3 matches, you make it to the jewish eternal place of awesome).

I listen to my single friends and try to encourage them. In fact, I want to help anyone who needs dating help. I see people being boring on dates or not dressed right or acting insecure and I want to help them. I wish people would let me manage their dating and social lives. I would whip your shit into shape. However fucked up you think your life is or your dating resume, IT DOES NOT MATTER. Plenty of people with way less to offer than you get coupled off. Because they are out there living life and meeting people and eventually they find someone. If you are not dating or hiding in your apartment watching netflix and eating chinese takeout, WAKE THE FUCK UP. Especially to my Jewish sisters, please please please you are worthy. You are my kosher goddesses. Go strut your shit.

Meet The Jewish Parents

Well it happened. The BF, who my parents still can't really call "boyfriend," rather they say "friend", came to my hometown.

It was not nearly as awkward as I thought it would be, but when the BF had "the talk" with the dad, I stared at my watch thinking I could watch one episode of any shitty sitcom on cable and they would be finished afterwards.

One hour and 30 minutes later--they emerged. The BF did not look scarred and my dad did not have a heart attack. Apparently they actually talked about everything.

We dined on blintzes afterwards.

L'chaim!

How Not To Get Asked Out Again

One of the great things about being Jewish and into the religion is the small inbred circle you reside in perpetually. It is weird now going to Jewish things/shul/religious stuff with a BF. I enter the room and have gone out with enough dudes in the room to start my own minyan usually.

So You Think You Can Online Date?

I over-the-shoulder-surf match.com with my coworker to keep her spirits up when she just cannot bear another click on her own.

I swear I wish people would let me edit their dating profiles. Some of this shit is so painfully boring I wonder how they even live with themselves let alone share their vivid personalities with another person.

if you believe in yourself, you will ride a bike

or get some, either way.

i have revived the blog. it has been interesting to go back and read all of my crazy ass stories. after years of being single and bitter and ragey and hilarious, i am not not single but still hilarious and occasionally the other negative shit too.

for all you lonely folks out there, just keep on keepin on. yes, be the little kid on the bike.

longest first date ever

yesterday i had a first date. met him at some hipster bar because they have board games. it is super hipster and i told him if he showed up in skinny jeans i was turning the fuck around. its kinda near a latino hood so i'm getting hit on by all these mexcians as they do their laundry and shuttle their kids around to the empanada store. i see him and i'm like oh yes he is cuteeee. prob about 5'7. thin but whatever. he was in a band in college and afterwards so he has sick arm muscles. kinda dark blondiesh hair. idk he is just cute. so i'm nervous and thanking my lucky fucking stars that i looked good. yayyyyyyyyyyyyy. and i am his first jdate. he is probably my 200th. we talk for 8 hours about judaism and rabbis and all the shit i love. he grew up non religious and is finding his way towards some sort of religious life. he reads everything and i was loving that he cared about judaism.

it was just great being at a bar with fucking chaka khan playing in the background and talking about rambam. just felt normal. so he has two beers and i almost make it thru 2 glasses of wine. i said we could get dinner but he said he was having too good of a time to eat. which is exactly how i felt.

oh right did i mention he is almost 10 years younger. i know. i dont care. he said he doesn't care. who knows. at one point his mom called him to make sure I wasn't the axe murderer!

rest of weekend is not relevant or newsworthy.